


Deeper Understanding

by Lady_Sci_Fi



Series: The Life and Times of Mike Yates and John Benton [15]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:41:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26353609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Sci_Fi/pseuds/Lady_Sci_Fi
Summary: Mike awakens from a nightmare, and Benton has questions about how he deals with them and the other trauma caused by Global Chemicals and Golden Age.
Relationships: John Benton/Mike Yates
Series: The Life and Times of Mike Yates and John Benton [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978336
Kudos: 6





	Deeper Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> Fits within the "After..." story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11301627/chapters/25287750

_“Shame we can’t also beat this into him,” General Finch mused, circling around Mike._

_Mike pulled at the handcuffs, which secured him to the chair. And yet again the motion was useless._

_Finch continued, “Can’t risk leaving any marks on him that others would see.” He considered the small bruise on Mike’s jaw from the initial subduing of the man. “That’ll heal in time.”_

_One of the other men in the room asked, “What about if you left his face alone? Surely you could get away with some kicks to his torso or something.”_

_Mike didn’t respond, only silently fumed and rattled the cuffs again._

_“No, no,” Finch said, with a regretful sigh. “Can’t risk him undressing in a bunkroom and someone seeing bruises and such.” He stopped in front of Mike, put his hands on his shoulders, and leaned over him. “Shame, because it’s the least you deserve, being the pathetic excuse of a soldier you are.”_

_Mike held the other’s severe gaze, trying to not let those words hurt him. But they did, cutting deeply. To distract himself, he stated, “You haven’t explained what you want with me.”_

_“You’re going to help us make a new world. A better world,” the other man answered._

_Mike snorted, and Finch roughly grabbed his chin tightly._

_“What was that for?” the general asked._

_“I’ve been around enough situations to know you’re up to no good.”_

_Finch turned to the other man. “The conditioning will work on him, yes?”_

_“Should.”_

_Conditioning? Mike’s heartbeat quickened in fear, though he tried to keep his breathing normal. Conditioning, like what that BOSS computer at Global Chemicals had done to him? The very thing he was in this country cottage on medical leave to recover from? It took him a long moment to find his voice. “Conditioning? What for? What do you want?”_

_“All in good time, Yates,” Finch responded._

_“I want you to say it.”_

_Handcuffed to the chair, again. At least they had started padding them to prevent marks around his wrists. “No,” he protested. He couldn’t let himself say those words, couldn’t give into them. It was bad enough with Finch and the others doing this to him to say them. To say it himself…_

_“Say it.” Finch commanded again._

_He was so tired, so exhausted. They hadn’t let him sleep yet. The sleep deprivation, along with the light physical strikes and constant verbal degradation… If he hadn’t already been compromised by Global Chemicals, he could’ve withstood it. He’d been through worse than this, before. But with all that, he wasn’t certain. In fact, he could feel those words cut deeper each time they were repeated._

_Finch yanked Mike’s hair, pulling his head back, and leaned in close. “You are a pathetic and worthless man. You do not matter. You are nothing.”_

_Mike shortly shook his head. But when his eyes closed, a few tears escaped from them._

_“Look at you. You’re crying. And you think you’re worthy of being a soldier.” Finch shoved Mike’s head down and let go of the hair to crouch down in front of the captive. He shouted, “Say it, Captain Yates!”_

_Mike kept his head down. “I-I…” He started, but he clamped his mouth shut. More tears dripped down to the legs of his trousers. He flinched at the end of the swagger stick pressing up under his chin._

_“Continue,” Finch ordered, forcing Mike’s face up. “Look at me and say it.”_

_Mike’s hands behind his back trembled, rattling the cuffs. Then the dam inside him broke, and all he could say, in a quiet broken voice, was, “I-I’m… I’m worthless… pathetic… weak… not worthy of… My life means nothing. I don’t… I don’t matter…” More tears fell down his face._

_“Good.” Finch smiled unnervingly. “Very good, Captain.” He stood. “Now we can really begin.”_

_Pathetic. Worthless. I don’t matter. My life doesn’t matter._

Mike’s eyes shot open as he awakened from the memories. He slowly closed them again as he worked to get control of his staggered breaths.

_I am nothing. I mean nothing._

“No,” he whispered in protest. He relaxed his tense body to try to get back to sleep.

But his mind wouldn’t let him, throwing those damn words at him. _Weak. Worthless. Pathetic. You are nothing._

After a few minutes, Mike gave up and slowly sat up. “Right, we’re not doing this.” He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and turned back to look at his sleeping partner. He smiled warmly, then sighed and slowly stood to not wake him.

Mike picked out his thin purple robe from the closet, then left the bedroom.

A few minutes later, he was sat cross-legged on a blanket on the living room floor, a semicircle of lit candles in front of him. His arms rested on his knees, his fingers interlaced in the middle.

Mike focused, mostly on his breathing to get him into the meditative state.

It couldn’t have been much longer after he had, when he was gently pulled out of it by the sound of soft footsteps on the carpet. Without opening his eyes, Mike asked, “Did I wake you?”

Benton’s breath hitched a tiny bit before he answered, “Ah… no, I think. Kind of.”

Mike nodded his head and looked up to the other man.

“I thought you were in the bathroom, but then I smelled the candles.” Benton cleared his throat quietly. “Anyway…”

“Sit with me?” Mike invited.

“You’re sure? I mean, I wouldn’t be intruding on anything?”

Mike shook his head, and patted the space next to him. As Benton took a moment to decide, Mike pushed the candles at the ends of the semi-circle forward to make a line, so Benton would have space to sit next to him.

Encouraged by the action, Benton said, “Alright,” and tentatively sat cross-legged next to his partner.

“Sorry for waking you,” Mike lightly apologized.

“No, it’s fine.”

Mike closed his eyes again, and he could feel Benton’s looking over him.

“Those memories again?” Benton guessed.

“Yeah.”

Benton exhaled through his nose. “Mike, I wish I could… I don’t know…”

“So do I, John.”

Benton watched the other man for another minute before he said, “I know you explained it to me a bit before, soon after we… But I have to admit, I don’t really understand all this Buddhist meditation stuff.”

Mike’s eyes opened, and he smiled softly. He turned his head to look at Benton. “Neither do I.”

Benton’s brow furrowed. “You don’t?”

“No, I don’t.”

“But, you-“

“I don’t need to.” Mike turned his body to fully face his partner. Benton did the same.

“How do you mean you don’t need to understand it?”

“I… I don’t need it all. Not everything. I learned and took what I needed.” Mike looked down at his hands. “So I only need to understand those parts of it.” He chuckled a little. “And maybe I don’t fully understand that, either.”

“I… I see. Enough of it, anyway.”

Mike raised his head to smile at Benton.

“Was… was that something Cho-Je recommended you do? Leave even though you didn’t understand everything?”

Mike shook his head. “It’s something I came to realize myself.” He shrugged. “Maybe he did hint at it. But either way, he wasn’t surprised when I told him I was going to stop coming.” He had been good about going consistently every weekend for a little over five months, and it had been nearly another seven since he had stopped.

Benton nodded. He’d missed Mike on those weekends, but hadn’t protested in him going. Even though he didn’t really get it, despite the explanation, it had seemed important to Mike, and that was what mattered. And of course he’d been glad when Mike told him he wasn’t going any more.

Benton nervously asked, “Do you think I should learn it, to understand better?”

“That’s completely up to you. It’s not for everyone. If you don’t, that’s fine. Don’t do it purely for my sake.”

“Right…” Benton took a long moment to consider Mike’s words. “I suppose… I suppose there’s only one thing I think I need to understand about it.”

“What’s that?”

“It helps you? It truly does help you?”

Mike nodded slowly. “It… it won’t make it go away, won’t erase what happened to me, won’t completely stop the effects from bothering me. But it does make it easier.”

“Good. Don’t ever let me get away with making light of it?”

Mike’s brow furrowed slightly. “You haven’t, and you wouldn’t.”

Benton shrugged. “Just in case I ever do?”

“Alright, then,” Mike agreed. He took a few deep breaths, then asked, “You know what else helps?”

“What?”

Mike took Benton’s hands between his. “You.”

Benton looked down, his shy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I do?”

“Of course you do. Don’t sell yourself short.” Mike reached up to caress Benton’s cheek and tilt his face back up. His tongue darted out to his bottom lip for a short moment. “Sarah… Sarah taught me that I can live with this. Cho-Je taught me specific methods to make it easier to. But you… well, no one can give me what you do.”

Benton nodded, and Mike scooted closer to him. His hand slipped down to Benton’s neck.

“I’m so glad, so relieved, you came back a week after that spider business. And that you were… accepting of what I was doing to help myself. And that you stay with me, despite the fact that it’s also difficult for you, when these thoughts and memories come out and shout in my head.”

“Of course I did, I was, and I have.” Benton took Mike’s other hand and raised it to his mouth, and simply held it against his lips. “I love you.”

“And that’s why being with you helps so much.” Mike leaned forward to press his forehead to Benton’s. “I love you.”

Their breaths mingled together for some moments as they sat there, their eyes closed. It was Mike who pulled away first, and he flashed a smile before he went in for a quick kiss. Benton grinned in response.

Then Mike let himself fall back and down, gently pulling Benton with him. His hair fanned underneath his head and his robe slipped down his shoulders as he settled on the blanket. Benton chuckled and affectionately shook his head as he hovered close over him.

“So, you understand better?” Mike asked.

“Yes, yes I do.”

Lit by the flames of the scented candles, they continued with soft touches and tender kisses, quietly reassuring each other with the physical affection.


End file.
